Thankful

As we come to the end of the year and with the holidays upon us, I find that I need to convey how much I am thankful for as well as where I have some regrets from this past year. Overall, this has been an extremely challenging, emotional, and yet exciting year for me.

I am thankful to have experienced a relatively easy pregnancy (minus the heartburn and extreme swelling!).

I am thankful to have given birth to the most beautiful baby girl. She has made me see the world and myself in a whole different life. My priority now is to provide for her and make her as happy as possible. Quite a departure for someone who deemed themselves quite selfish for quite some time.

I am thankful to have survived the challenging early weeks and months with Layla. She certainly didn't make things easy at times but the initial strain it put on Mike and I has actually made us stronger as a couple.

I am thankful to have Mike as my husband. He has put up with more than could ever be expected and has not once wanted to run out the door (at least I haven't sensed he has wanted to!)

I am thankful to have a stable and rewarding job and one where I feel as secure as possible in the current economic situation we are in.

I am thankful to have the home that we live in and to be able to have a comfortable life. Things aren't always easy but I feel blessed to not have many of the stresses that I see many people experiencing.

I am thankful that my family remains healthy and a strong part of my life. As much as I talk about wanting to move to California, I know that moving away from my family would be a scary proposition.

I am thankful for the very wonderful friends and neighbors that I have. Being someone who didn't have a lot of friends early on in life, it is refreshing to have a great group of girls to rely on and spend time with.

As much as there is to be thankful for, there are regrets that I have with this year.

I regret losing touch with many of the friends that I got through the initial hurdles of post-college life with. It is hard to maintain relationships especially when you take different paths but it doesn't hurt any less to lose those friendships.

I regret some of the things I have said to a certain member of my family. While these things needed to be said as I didn't want to sugar coat things anymore, I am saddened by the change in what was once a strong relationship. I have come to understand that people change and sometimes those changes are hard to take.

I regret being too selfish at times and not keeping in better touch with people. My dislike for the phone withstanding, I wish I did more to reach out to others just to check in and say hi.

I regret having a bad temper at times and taking things unneccessarily out on Mike. My emotions got the better of me a lot this year and while pregnancy can be counted as one of the reasons for that, it doesn't make it right.

My life has been good this year and I have a lot to be thankful for. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love Layla. She has been the greatest blessing in my life. You can count on her likely being spoiled rotten and I won't feel the least bad about it!

Life Changes

I recently thought about my life and who I am today compared to what I call my previous life….that of the single independent female. I was the one who was never going to get married and who was never going to have kids. Heck I never even thought about having a dog. I was going to be the ultimate cat lady; independent, stubborn, and most likely cranky. My fiercely independent and somewhat feminist views had men categorized as cheaters, liars, those who drink too much, those who gamble a lot, or those who are just plain be lazy. Unfortunately my previous relationships were pretty much based on those realities in one way or another. After I broke up with Mark, I was intent on being on my own with no plans for finding that next match. I enjoyed going where I wanted and doing what I wanted on my own schedule. I was able to focus on my career and my friendships. Friends were something I wasn’t known for having many of and the ones I did have seemed to be lost pretty quickly for one reason or another. So I was in a place where I wasn’t sure where I was headed but was content with where I was. My Friday nights were often spent at a bar where there was a very “Cheers” type feel in that the bartender knew me and my group of friends and would have our drinks on the bar almost before we even sat down. When one of the bartenders that we knew told us that he was opening a bar up in Winthrop Harbor, we immediately knew that we would make several trips there. And that we did. It was such a good feeling walking into Tropics on the weekends we would make the trek up north and have everyone so excited to see you; eager to hug you and ask what has been new. I and my friends kept the local motel in business with our frequent trips…so much so that the desk clerks usually knew us my name. I was having the time of my life with my friends and with these new people that I would come to call friends. We went on cruises with them and just really felt that I found more people to rely on and consider part of my family. Mike was one of those that I met at Tropics and although at first we were just acquaintances, we gradually got to know each other better. Little did I know then that my life was about to change completely.

There was the definite issue that Mike had a girlfriend at the time I had met him. In fact, that seems to be a common theme for me and my last 2 boyfriends. Some would call me a home-wrecker I guess. As Mike and I got to know each other more and more, the more I fell for him. And the bigger the issue of his girlfriend obviously became. I could not continue on with him without him making a big decision. And even if he chose to end things with her to be with me, would I ever be able to trust him? Who was to say he wouldn’t do the same to me. When it was official that he wanted to be with me, it was the beginning of the rest of my life. The unfortunate side was that I lost several very good friends who for whatever reason chose not to support me and Mike and instead “sided” with the ex-girlfriend, someone they really didn’t know all that well. I am sure there was more to it but to this day, I have yet to understand it all. But I have never felt more right about a situation as I did about choosing and wanting to be with Mike.

2 dogs, a marriage, and a baby girl later and I honestly feel complete. My career is still progressing and I still maintain a somewhat independent, strong woman lifestyle. Having Layla was the hardest thing I have ever done but not for one minute do I wish that things were different. The love I feel for her tops anything I have ever felt and it takes my breath away just looking at her. People may question why I don’t want to have more kids and the reason for me is simple. All the love I have is poured into that little girl and I am so happy and complete with her in my life. The day is drawing ever closer when I have to go back to work and back to that part of my life that it still very important to me. I still want to excel at my career and move up the so-called corporate ladder. But now my first thought and priority is my daughter and I am lucky to work at a place where they understand and support that. I will likely be an emotional wreck when I do have to leave her but it is all part of the next steps in our lives and I am so excited at what tomorrow has in store for us.

Transformation

Layla has been growing tremendously over the past few weeks and it is amazing to see her transformation. We have battled through stomach and reflux issues and have finally gotten her a lot more content in that respect. It was so stressful, frustrating, and sad to see her in pain and not know what the reason was. Thankfully it was a matter of changing formula and getting her on Zantac that did the trick. Those that believe their infants should not be medicated should try dealing with a very upset baby at all hours of the day and night who cries while eating....that might change their mind.

Our biggest challenge these days are getting her to really fall asleep on her own. She fights us for every nap during the day and for when putting her down for the night. She is getting a little better with this every day and now only fusses for 10-15 minutes before finally giving up and going to sleep. Naps are in the swing and I am resigned to the fact that she may only nap there for some time. The nights are somewhat easier in that she wakes up to eat at the 4-6 hour mark but easily goes right back to sleep. Now if only it were that easy for me to go right back to sleep after feeding her! Somehow I think she has inherited her sleep patterns from me.

As we are at about the 2 month mark with Layla, I am starting to think about work and daycare and how hard it will be for me to go back to work and miss out on all the changes that she will inevitably go through. I worry that I will only have a short amount of time with her when I get home from work each day and how that will impact her. Luckily Mike will be able to spend a lot of time with her which I know he misses out on right now. As much as I am not ready to go back to work, I am also itching to at least be involved in what is going on at work. I don't necessarily like not knowing what is going on and allowing things that I have built on for many years to change before I get back. I am very sensitive to the things I have created and nurtured at my job and want them to be in the same shape when I get back. So I am resorting to at least reading emails and checking in with my employees from time to time. I am possibly going to return to a completely different role that will make me question if I want to stay in that position or start to find a new challenge within the bank. The successes I have had over the years will allow me to take on new challenges but the thought has to be at what cost to being able to get home at a reasonable hour to spend time with my daughter. These are things I never had to think about before....I was always ready and willing to take on the new challenge with my career regardless of the hours and travel it might require. My career is still extremely important to me and I have a desire and a need to continue to excel and move up the corporate ladder so to speak but I now have to weigh what that all means in the long run. Definitely puts a different perspective on what I want to do and how much I want to invest in my career. But I know that being a stay at home mom is not something I want to do nor can do if we want to continue to have the life that we do.

I still have 2 months to really prep myself for what my post-stay at home mom role will be like so in the mean time I will be dedicating myself to my high-maintenance baby and getting her on a consistent schedule....

Layla - 3 weeks old

Today marks Layla's 3 week birthday and we have definitely had some struggles as well as some fairly easy moments with her. She seems to have my disposition in that she is often impatient but then quite content when she gets her way. She is eating well and even sleeping fairly well at night. These days the nights are easier than that days as she just doesn't seem to be very happy at times. She tends to cry for no reason and everything we try doesn't seem to work. But we keep trying new things hoping that something will click. I marvel at her every day though and find myself just staring at her beautiful face wondering how something so gorgeous could come from me.

Layla's arrival into this world was certainly dramatic for both mother and baby. My blood pressure issues continued for several weeks towards the end of the pregnancy which ultimately led to the decision to induce. The guilt I felt in that I knew Layla was likely to be born on Allison's birthday was somewhat short lived when I knew that this was the best thing for myself and for Layla. The induction and the labor was very swift moving and as is normal for me in every day life, things moved really fast...almost too fast it seemed for Layla. After very few pushes, my little daughter entered the world but not without some scary moments. She needed assistance to breathe and all I remember seeing are a lot of people working on her and my nurse being very reassuring that she was ok. Luckily I was somewhat dazed and out of it to really be able to take it all in and realize what was going on. But Layla figured it all out and got to breathing on her own. A short visit to the NICU and she was back with me. I spent the next 24 hours hooked up to magnesium sulfate to help regulate my blood pressure so I was limited somewhat in the time I could spend with her. But she was there in the room and Mike was able to take to his new role as daddy really quickly. When I was finally discharged, I had all the feelings of excitement to be leaving and apprehension as to what Mike and I would be faced with as we drove away from the hospital. It has been a roller coaster since coming home with trying to figure it all out and at the same time just marvel at our precious little girl. I am feeling back to normal these days after about a week of the baby blues. I would cry at just about everything for no reason and feel utterly helpless. Mike was unsure as to how to help me but he was supportive in every possible way. I think that our relationship has grown even stronger....I am amazed at how he taken to fatherhood. We are truly a team and every day, things get just a little bit easier....until Layla decides to change it all up.

Yikes

The anxiousness, terror, excitement, and fear of the unknown has clearly set in as the countdown to Layla's arrival continues. I have made it pretty clear to many folks that I am officially over this pregnancy thing. It's not cute, fun, adorable or even any fun anymore. The swelling has resulted in my precious shoe collection gathering dust and I have resorted to wearing a lot of flip flops....not very professional. Heartburn is in full swing and I have a fondness now for Tums. And to top it off, my very pregnant brain forgot to remind me that I have not seen the sun in vast quantities and as a result my pale Irish skin decided to cook while watching Mike's softball games on Sunday afternoon. To say I am uncomfortable is a pretty big understatement. But to many, the fact that I am even complaining when I am taking part in the creation of a human being is preposterous. So to them I say too bad - I am going to complain because I can!

Layla continues to be very active and reminding me often that she is there. It is comforting to feel her moving even if she takes a pretty good whack every now and again. My doctor has said that she is head down so she is starting to prepare herself for the big day. I start weekly appointments beginning the week after next so it is really starting to sink in that this can really happen any day now. I will start working from home on June 29th so my anxiety over the embarrassment of my water breaking while I am at my desk downtown is minimized. Yes I know that really only happens in movies but I have learned that with me anything is possible. At least now I will be at home having anxiety over the fact that I may end up taking a cab to the hospital because Mike will be far away in the arctic circle!! (Too dramatic??)

The Home Stretch

I am officially in what they say is the home stretch....3rd trimester. Even more of a reality check. While I still have 10-12 weeks to go, the time has already flown by. It is with that realism that time will continue to fly that my panic is starting to set in. All the feelings of anxiousness (ready for this baby to be out!), nervousness (what in the world have I gotten myself into!), and excitement (I can't wait to meet her!) are setting in and starting to overwhelm me. I have been good up to this point in blocking those feelings out because I could always say I still had time. But the closer and closer the due date gets, the more and more absolutely out of my mind I feel. I guess putting the baby's room together really hit it home even more that this baby is going to be here before we know it. But I continue to take one day at a time and try to wrap my arms around what is to come and at the same time maintain some level of sanity. Some days are better than others.

As for the pregnancy as a whole, I can honestly say that I have few complaints. The heartburn is pretty bad and I have seemed to develop a cough as a result of all the acid in my stomach but Zantac is a wonderful thing let me tell you. I am also not too fond of the whole waddling thing I am doing as it is not real convenient but it's not stopping me from getting where I need to be. Having to ensure a 3 hour glucose tolerance test that have made me look like a new heroin addict with all these track marks is also not on my list of top enjoyment activities but it is a necessary evil to ensure that myself and the baby are ok for the remainder of this trip. Sleeping has become a little more of a challenge and it sometimes seems like a king sized bed is just not big enough. But I am surviving all these challenges.

Mike has been wonderful through all of this so far....extremely tolerant and very good at masking his definite aggravation with me at times. He even "suffered" through his first physical in over 10 years since I nagged him constantly about it. I was amused at how he hated giving blood and how much he said it hurt. Yet another reason I am convinced as to why men don't have babies. But he has been my rock and I am reminded all the time why I married him. When I never thought I would find someone to measure up to my expectations, I found him and I continue to be amazed by him.

Halfway Point

So we are having a girl (and I think by now everyone in the Facebook, Churchill Club, and work email communities are aware) and we are more than thrilled about it. Sure Mike fake pouted a bit but in all honesty I think he was excited from the moment we found out. After all he does have his precious Minnie the pug wrapped around his little finger. I might as well be chopped liver around that dog when Mike is around. I know that everyone really wants to know the name we have chosen and believe me it kills us to not tell but we want to have at least one surprise until then. I can also guarantee that no one will ever guess it no matter how hard you try (and I swear it is not Ava!).

I have been feeling pretty good and basically used to the constant heartburn and now the non-stop movement of this little girl. She is one active baby and seems to really want to be getting my attention. I seem to get bigger by the day and a little frustrated that I cannot walk as fast as I am used to. It's embarrassing that Mike and his short little legs moves faster than I do!

Speaking of attention, I have to admit I am getting a little nervous about bringing home a little baby with the "kids" we already have at home. I know they will eventually get used to her but I see how needy they are now, especially the dogs, and I can't help but worry about their state of mind. Leave it to me to try to humanize my pets. Minnie likes to bark and yelp at you until you pay attention to her. She also likes to bark at any crying baby on tv. Ozzie likes to lay directly on top of me, or at the very least ensure some part of his tubby body is touching me. He likes to paw at me when I pet him in an effort to get me to keep going (I have actually tried this tactic with Mike to get him to scratch my back or rub my head and it doesn't work). Lucy & Kraemer are in their own little worlds most of the time --- the old ladies of the manor. But they also don't adapt very well to change. One more little person/being around here might just be too much for them. I fear an animal revolt of some kind. As much as our lives are going to change, their lives are going to change too. But I am sure they are more adaptable in the long run than their human owners so my worry could be for nothing.

The 2nd Half

I have officially moved into the 2nd trimester phase and I am waiting for all this supposed energy to appear that I hear so much about. Still waiting...... I have been feeling really good and actually feel really no different from pre-pregnancy days except for the weight expansion around my middle. I had to stop the insanity and get some maternity pants and what a difference those make. I can see wearing those forever they are so comfortable! Ok maybe not forever - the big band is not that fashion forward. I have had people at work tell me that I look more pregnant and others tell me (like the dental hygienist) that I don't look pregnant at all. I had my 2nd doctor appointment and it was pretty quick and painless except for the disapproving eye from the doctor over the 7 pounds I have gained since my last appointment. He asked that I don't make a habit of it.... the nerve!! I swear it isn't really all that fair to be weighed each time in varying layers of clothes and shoes. So I immediately began to feel bad and fat and vowed to stop eating....and then Mike told me to get over it. He knew right away that I was bummed by the lecture since I resorted to absolute silence in the car ride home. That boy is really starting to figure me out. I know I really don't eat much more or more often than when I did before pregnancy but perhaps my metabolism is really starting to get back at me. Or maybe it was that 2 orders of fries from McDonald's I just had to have one day because I was absolutely starving and would die on the spot if I didn't get them. I am continuing my count down until I can possibly find out the sex of this baby (or as Kelly said, the sexual orientation...although not really caring to find out if my baby is gay at this point :)). All signs continue to point towards a girl (those old wives tales are great!) so that very well means I will be having a boy.

In other news, I know folks are probably confused as to why Randy chose me out of anyone to call and reveal this grand plan of his to move out. I still don't know why he called me (I am supposed to be the intimidating one remember??) and not sure I ever will. But I do know that I had no influence over what he chose to do. He had his mind made up from the moment our conversation began and as is obvious, I was not able to change it. Perhaps he reached out to me because I am the one least likely to yell, scream, ask a lot of questions, or judge but who knows. My sisters can attest that when you do something I don't like, you will hear about it from me :) Bottom line is that I don't understand or condone what he has done and I told him as such when I talked to him. He doesn't know the first thing about being a mature adult even though that is what he is asking everyone to see him as. He will learn fast and hard and will have to figure things out at some point. My frustration over these parents who so willingly offered him an escape and not once reached out to his parents to give them a heads up as to what he was feeling or planning is beyond belief. I will never understand the motives of those people either. But I do know that some people need to learn the hard way and we have seen countless times with Randy that he is one of those people. My hope is that he one day sees what he gave up and how good he had it. I don't think any of us will truly get what is going through his head but as most boys seem to do, he can only think of himself in the present and not anything in the future. He will address the future when it gets there I suppose. I cannot begin to even imagine what mom and dad are going through and I know they probably feel like some sort of failures. But if I know anything, I know that they are not and should not think of themselves in that way. They have done all that they can to support, love, nurture, and be there for him and I think deep down Randy knows that. Maybe someday he will realize it and tell them that.

As for other goings on, I am so happy for all my sisters who are embarking on great new journeys. New spouses, new babies, new family...all very uplifting situations that we should be focused on.